Wednesday, February 23, 2011

2011.02.23 Infinite Sadness

Today I am 7 weeks pregnant. 

Tomorrow is my first OB appointment.  Tomorrow we were supposed to hear the baby's heartbeat.  Tomorrow we were supposed to be able to finally accept that there was indeed a little person in there.  Tomorrow it was supposed to be ok to start making plans.  Tomorrow was the day we have been so patiently waiting for the past three weeks.  Tomorrow is now the day we will learn that I am miscarrying.  Tomorrow is the day those hopes and dreams are once more shattered.  Tomorrow we have to figure out how to grieve.  Tomorrow we will ask God why.  Tomorrow we will cry.  Tomorrow we will feel that God is punishing us.  Tomorrow we will once again question everything.  Tomorrow the roller-coaster begins again.

Today we still hold out that faint hope that everything is ok.  Today we hope that "spotting" can actually mean blood.  Today we pray that somehow everything currently in motion will be stopped.  Today I watch my husband cry and watch him become furious with God while I reassure him that we don't know or understand God's plan, but we have to believe it in.  Today I furiously deny my husband's grief that it is his fault because he was a "bad parent" the first time.  Today I stay strong and tell him that God doesn't work that way, that he was NOT a "bad parent" and he did the best he could alone, at the time.  Today I tell him that we can't give up hope.  Today I tell him that we must stay positive, that there is still a chance, that it is not over yet.

So what happens when tomorrow arrives?


Becky Dunham said...

Jessica - this makes me so sad. I hope that things turn out. I miscarried with my first baby. We did an ultrasound at 6 weeks and saw the little bean and the heartbeating, then we "took a peek" at 8 weeks (I worked at the hospital so we just thought we would take a peek) and there was no heartbeat and I had to have a D&C.

After this miscarriage, my next 3 pregnancies, I got weekly shots of progesterone starting as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test. I had 3 children in this manner (they are all teenagers now), but with each one I started bleeding at about 6 months which scared me every time but always was okay.

I am telling you this because first I wanted to tell you about the progesterone in case you and your doc have not tried it. And secondly because I believe God really does have a plan and we just don't know what it is. We can't see the big picture.

So, I am praying for you that things will be okay and if not that you will handle the grief knowing that God has a reason for even these things that we can't understand. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your sweet hubby :)

Jolanda said...

Dear dear Jessica,this is so sad!!!
I get tears in my eyes...and relive my miscarriage again...this is something you'll never forget...trie to give it a place in your heart...thinking of you and i want to write so much more but i cant find the right another language it is difficult to express...i'm thinking of you and your husband...and hoping you'll be oke...please take the time to crie and be sad...
Love and hugs,Jolanda