08.05.10 My One True Wish

If you had asked me 3 years ago, I would have instantly replied, "money," "a bigger house," "travel the world," but now my answer has changed.  I no longer care about the money, the bigger house, or traveling the world, I want a baby.  I don't care if it's a he or a she.  I don't care what it looks like.  I want the aches and pains.  I want to be fat and bloated, for a reason other than I ate too much.  I want morning sickness.  I want the crazy ups and downs of pregnancy hormones.  I want to be moody and grouchy and hot all the time, although if you ask my husband, he would probably say I am.  As crazy as it sounds, especially coming from me, I want to go through the hours of labor.  I want to feel the pain.  I want to want pickles with my ice cream.  I want to shop for someone other than me.  I want to spend my money on diapers and formula.  I don't want people to hide their pegnancies from me.  I'm not going to freak out, well maybe a little.  I don't want to hear, "You are so lucky you don't have kids."  We aren't lucky.  I don't want to hear, "Pregnancy sucks, just adopt.  I hate being pregnant."  It doesn't make me feel any better.  I don't want to hear another person say, "I hate having to drop everything every 3 hours to feed a crying baby."  Do they not understand that I would give anything to be in their place?  I want to do 2 a.m. feedings.  I want to go to work tired because I was rocking a fussy baby all night.  I want to give up my "me" time.  I want to have to take super fast showers.  I want to learn to do everything one-handed.  I want to eat with a baby in my lap.  I want a reason to give up my two-door civic.  I want to have a reason to drive slower and eat healthier.  I want the doctors to stop saying, "We don't think there is anything wrong.  Just give it some more time."  I'm tired of being diappointed month after month.  I'm tired of being obsessed with numbers and dates and ovulation predictor kits.  I'm tired of trying to be happy for everyone else who accidentally gets pregnant.  I'm tired of just being "Aunt Jessica,"  I want something more.  Is that too much to ask?